May 9, 2010


Everyone has a list.

Filed under: Friends, Love, Sex — Herman @ 10:18 pm

(Photo by LOLfbmoments.com) link

Everyone has a list. Consciously or subconsciously we all know who we would most likely and least likely go to bed with. I don’t care if you’re a hopeless romantic who fell in love with your soul mate at the age of eight and finally got her by laying rose pedals along a candle lit pathway only to find you serenading a song you penned down for her at the end, or, a whore (directed at both sexes) who would fuck just about anything that moves. Everyone has a list. Only difference is, the whore would probably have their list framed and hung on their bedroom wall like a graduation certificate.

Now I’m not talking about the usual “List of five celebrities I’m allowed to fuck and you’re not meant to get angry at me” bullshit. Let’s be honest, if my future wife gets to fuck Brad Pitt and I don’t get to bang Alessandra Ambrosio I’ll be pissed off. Not because I’m jealous she’s fucking Brad, I can understand that (massive step up for her!), but because I’m not getting with the Victoria Secret Angel.

The list I’m talking about is the friends list. Who out of your friends would you most likely sleep with? A lot of readers at this point would be thinking “This is sick! I’ll never choose who I’ll sleep with amongst my friends”. But you most likely already have subconsciously. Most of the time when you meet someone new they’ll put you on the “Just Friends” or “Got Potential” ladders – this is The Ladder Theory. The Just Friends ladder has people who you’ll never be interested in but wouldn’t mind them as a friend. While, the Got Potential ladder is a list of people you’re willing to have sex/date in the future. What we don’t know is that The Ladder Theory is just the beginning of The List.

By allocating your friends on the two ladders you’ve ultimately split up your friends and put the people in the Got Potential ladder ahead of the people in Just Friends. Now all you have to do is just order the names around and you’ve got your list. Everyone has a list.

For the those reading this thinking they’re going to have sex soon because they know they’re on the top of someone’s list, this is for you: Being first on the list doesn’t mean you’ll get laid first. You may be on the top of a girl’s list because you’re smart, charming, built, got family money and successful but you’re also the mummy’s boy who leaves her birthday party at 8.30 because your mum doesn’t want to watch Sex in the City alone. If you were really that great you wouldn’t be on her list, you would be fucking her right now. So, you’re The Back-Up Plan. When she’s sick of guys screwing her over and over – double entendre intended – she’ll probably marry you because she can’t find the perfect one.

Every name on the list can be allocated to a category picked by the person. Now girls, if a guy gets dumped and calls you out for drinks to “talk about his horrible break-up” and at the end of the drunken night when you’re both pretty blind, he puts his hand on your leg and touches your inner thigh. You are his Rebound. Pretty obvious but some people just don’t see it.

But this list isn’t about relationships nor does it revolve around relationships. After all, this list is clearly based on fucking. That’s why number one doesn’t mean you get to have sex first. Most say that having the best sex is when you’re doing it with someone you love. Call me old fashion but that I do believe. However, if you’ve been single for a while or just broken up from a long term relationship, throwing feelings out the window and just going for it is sometimes the best solution. So without further ado I present the “One Off’s” on the list. These are the people that you’ll only have sex with once or twice, usually man-whores or sluts and are used to get it out of the system. Their sexual accomplishments and desires will probably intrigue you so much that you’ll eventually go for a ride – literally. Perfect example: the Barney Stinson character from hit tv show How I Met Your Mother. They would most likely get laid before whoever it is on the top of the list.

Everyone has a list. Some may know it, some may not, some may even be thinking about who’s on it right now after reading this. The tricky part is finding out where you are on someone else’s list. So on a drunken Friday night, call a bunch of people over and bring up the topic. Guaranteed to keep you talking and drinking till the morning, it did with me. I never found out what number I was on my friend’s lists (I just called shotgun!) but I did get inspired to write this.


March 29, 2010


Bush vs. No Bush

Filed under: Sex — Herman @ 7:51 pm

(Photo by MyFreePaySite.com)

Whether you support a massive 80s porno bush or you’re an OCD maniac that just can’t stand hair, the topic of pubic hair is never a dull question and the debate of whether one approves or disapproves of pubic hairs can last for hours. So at a friend’s recent birthday dinner I decided to bring up the topic and what began as a four person discussion quickly turned into quite an entertaining eight person (four girls and four guys) long debate. The topic of “bush” was discussed for both male and female and a quick glimpse of each other’s sexual preferences and psyche fascinated all of us.

It is no secret that men today think thick bushes need to go and the pornography industry backs that up vigorously. The childhood dreams of many watching 80s porno wanting to be pubic hair stylist had to quickly rethink their futures. However, while most girls do the Brazilian waxing style what they don’t know is that most guys prefer the French waxing style. The French waxing style is more commonly known as “The Landing Strip” and most preferred because when a man is going down he still wants reassurance that it is a woman he is pleasing. But what I believe is that it has nothing to do with reassurance (because I’ll go down on a girl without hair as quickly as one with a strip). Being part of the Gen-Y population, I think the real reason is that we grew up in the transition phase between the 80s porno bush and 21st century bald pussy. So during those adolescent years of looking up porno pictures through 56kB Internet connections, “The Landing Strip” was what was in fashion and it has been tattooed into our minds.

Although French waxing and Brazilian waxing are preferred amongst the male community, we won’t say no if there’s a hot chick lying there with her legs open to her unshaven pussy telling us to fuck her. From the wise words of Chris Rock “Pussy is like VISA. Accepted everywhere”. However, if the female is uncomfortable about waxing downstairs there is a solution. Below you will see the Girl vs. Bush Scale, it is a scale to determine how much bush you should have depending on how good looking you are (this scale can be referred to guys too). If the subject is rated 10/10 then they can have the maximum bush level because you won’t give a fuck they’re that hot. But if the subject is rated a 1/10 then a tamed bush isn’t that hard to ask. As we venture out from the scale line we find the “Prepare for Landing” and “Jungle Insight” area. Prepare for landing is simple, if a girl is 10/10 and has a 2 rating of bush you’re in head first without a second thought. But if there’s a 2/10 subject and a 10 rating of bush then be prepared for some Guerrilla Warfare shit!

As time changes the male awareness of self-grooming in genital areas have boomed and the once stigma of trimming the pubes being less masculine has become a normal thing. With that said I think most guys do it because of a few reasons: it looks bigger, looks nicer but the main reason is so girls would continue giving you head without complaining about hair going up her nose. With the dinner discussion going from females to males the term “Porno Dick” was coined for the males without pubic hair. Although most pornography out there have males without pubic hairs the average male seems to dislike it and say “it’s just too porno” or “that shit’s for orgy guys”. Similarly most women prefer their men with some hair there to promote the masculinity of their partners. There was no discussion of guys having “The Landing Strip” or anything of that manner, what the girls wanted was simple. Just be tamed.

But we are left to wonder that in time would the average male might be sporting a “Porno Dick”. Since the once frowned upon “trimming” is widely accepted now and you pretty much can’t watch a porno clip without seeing a completely shaven dick, men may follow women into Brazilian territory or even sport a nice strip. After all, we do have a history of being a little late in physical development compared to females. But for now ending in the wise words of my Ron Jeremy look-a-like friend, Rob Solid, “A prick in the face is better than a hair stuck in your teeth”.


March 9, 2010


Guest Blogger: Jules – She wants to move. No Really!

Filed under: Love, Sex — Herman @ 3:06 am

Jules
I’ve known Jules for a while now and whenever we catch up the topic of “men VS. women” are always debated (eg. ‘Why women should always give blowjobs even if they don’t want to’ VS. ‘Men are selfish pigs who just wants sex and nothing else’). So I decided to ask Jules to guest blog on my website so we can see have a closer examination of the female psyche – and a rebuttal for all the egotistical alpha-male ideas in this blog. This is Jules and she knows her shit!

She wants to move. No Really!

My girl doesn’t like giving head.

My girl doesn’t like being on top, she thinks she’s fat.

My girl’s really shy and doesn’t loosen up enough.

Aw woe is me boys. I can understand all of these female excuses, but let me tell you – they’re not excuses. They’re just a sign of you’re not doing your job as the boyfriend/lover.

So how the hell do you get your girl to work it in bed? Shy, insecure or not wanting to get down on her knees? How do you make your girl want to mooove?

Simple fellas, encouragement. There is absolutely nothing hotter than when a man tells you how sexy you look as you slip off your negligee. Let’s be serious, women love compliments. And if women love compliments, then why shouldn’t they be scattered through a night of the horizontal dance?

Look, I’m not talking about any of this soppy, look into her eyes, tell her how gorgeous the freckle on her face is. Save that for the 1 year anniversary dinner.

Make sure you keep it in the moment. If she’s giving you the, “not tonight babe, I feel fat/ugly” speech – Grab her by the hips, kiss her sweetly and tell her you’ve never found her more sexier than she is right now. Most guys get it wrong by pleading and whimpering about it. Wrong move. You should be thinking about what she’s thinking, as soon as you tap into that, you’re in.

So she’s shy, sure a lot of girls are. You have to be a little more romantic with shy girls. A lot of it has to do with body language. A shy girl will appreciate a guy who’s just feeling the sides of her body and not really saying much. After looking at her like she’s totally mesmerised you, tell her how stunning her smile is. Simple, but effective. Trust me.

Now it may seem like I’m writing up the ‘How to make girls have sex with you 101 handbook’. Well, I am. But it’s not about getting them into bed. It’s about how to make them feel most comfortable once you’ve done all the leg work. Making them feel comfortable will make your sex life with each other so much damn better.

Now giving head – I can see all you fellow’s eyes light up as you follow the word blowjob. Heck, you’ve probably already scrolled down to this bit anyway. Well, a lot of girls legitimately don’t like giving head. If this is the case, that kinda sucks. (Pardon the pun). But a lot of the time, the real deal is she just doesn’t really like you that much to participate in the hard work it takes to make you blow in the mouth. Most girls do like it, you just have to make her feel like it’s worth it. Firstly, GO DOWN ON HER or make sure you entertain with plenty of foreplay action. Pay attention to her and she’ll want to pay attention to you. Hey Jesus was right when he said ‘do unto others as you’d like done unto you’ (Yeah I know I’m going to hell for that). Also, like Herman’s wise friend Michelle already advised, don’t make it so obvious you want head. God, there’s nothing worse than a guy who’s begging for it before he’s even unhooked your bra. Be subtle. All ladies know how much guys love a bit of BJ action. We just don’t want you to throw a tantie about it. Believe me, we’ll want to do it if you’re attentive and appreciative.

By the way, if you’ve been working your ass off with all this attentiveness and your girl still isn’t reciprocating the fun well then she’s just plain old selfish. No one wants to be with Selfish Sally in bed. No one wants to be with Selfish Shaun either. Make it work folks, sex is FUN!

Jules


February 24, 2010


My friend Michelle

Filed under: Friends, Sex — Herman @ 1:56 am

(Photos by Various)

Our fascination with the opposite sex corrupts even the most purist person in the world. It all starts off in the playground when we’re introduced to the concept of “cooties”. The so called imaginary disease the opposite sex has intrigues our mind making us always wanting to find out more. Even when we grow up we have no FUCKING IDEA what the other side is thinking or wanting. We enter relationships (strings attached or not) blind. For me this idea still lies true but my friend Michelle has helped me set a few things straight. Ladies and gentleman I introduce to you my friend Michelle.

I’d be lying if I said Michelle didn’t make me want to touch myself in bad places. In a heartbeat I’ll go down on her for hours on end and love nothing more. I’ll even attend three bukaki sessions in a row for a night with Michelle. But this isn’t about what I’ll do for Michelle, but what Michelle (and most other women) prefers.

She schooled me on the topic of women after my “How it all begins” post. The idea of women watching porn seemed like a prank to me but Michelle set it straight informing me it was porn that taught her to use “eye contact”. With such informative information I ventured deeper into her psyche to find the most that I can about women (and her). This is what I found:

- Most girls watch porn but they just deny it.
- They usually watch it when they’re single.
- No male-male porn but everything else is fine.
- Three-ways are fine but only a little bit of girl on girl (explanation: I don’t want to lick a chick out so I don’t really care to see it).
- BJ in porn? Not interesting. Learn a few things but most is from experience.
- Make a girl think you don’t want it and she’ll try even harder until she wins.
- If you don’t give the girl attention then she’ll crave it.

There are things in life that I’ll never understand. Women are probably the highest on that list. But at least now I’m one step closer. How this girl is single is beyond me and I know for a fact the guy who’s on the receiving end of her is one lucky MOTHERFUCKER.

This is my friend Michelle.


February 14, 2010


I fucking hate money

Filed under: Saving Herman, Sex, Work — Herman @ 10:52 am

I fucking hate money. It kills us all. Or do I hate working for money? I don’t know the difference anymore. I apologise for neglecting this blog of mine because for the past 3 months I’ve been working. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about what I do or did (Auto Salon Magazine is coming to an end). But as a shallow, materialistic whore, money really fucks me and working for money fucks me even more. My need for instant self gratification will be my downfall sooner or later. Even this blog right now is an instant self gratification of what the fuck is going on in my life. Why? Because I’m a self loving cunt drowning in a sea of my own self loathing.

I once heard somewhere that a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. However a night of loneliness can save the life of someone lost in the path of self destruction. Then with the cease of self destruction you are reborn into “society” where you find yourself a job and find your way again. But with money in the equation, you wonder if the corruption of it will bring you back to your old ways. You become addicted to money. You become a money junkie and will find by any possible means to get more of it. You begin to yet again self destruct and push the people that you love the most away from you. You become lonely again. So the question is do you drown in a sea of pointless pussy or do you drown in a sea of money?

If you’ve made your decision about that question you should know that there is a catch to it. Without money you cannot drown in a sea of pointless pussy because you can’t afford it! That’s just life. So then we might as well choose money over pussy. But then women become a materialistic item and you’ll end up getting a bigger hard-on seeing a stack of hundreds than Miranda Kerr naked in your bed with her legs wide open and a line of coke leading to her pussy. And that’s just not cool.

So is money the ultimate destruction of us all? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it tends to stop us from doing things we really want to do. Travelling, shopping, whoring, etc. You need money otherwise you won’t succeed. The shitter the job you have the longer it’ll take. It’s like getting a blowjob, if the girl can’t suck it’ll take you a while to blow. And if it does come quickly, then like the girl sucking your dick, you must have done some dirty shit to be that good.

I fucking hate money.

(P.S. Sorry for not having a picture this time. I couldn’t find a girl that’ll let me take a photo of her blowing me.)


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